"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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