Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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