Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
