Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
