I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
