im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
