if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
