Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
