The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
