Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
