why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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