was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
