Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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