I am puke
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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