I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize