What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
