I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
