it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize