im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
