New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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