i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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