i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
