I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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