FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
