There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sober January is a disaster.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize