when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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