She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
