i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
