I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
