my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
