I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just cut my nipple shaving
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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