No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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