Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
