Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
