She said her name was "party"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
