My sheets look like a crime scene.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
