Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
