I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
