Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
