At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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