The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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