so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
