Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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