I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
