Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
