I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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