not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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