Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
