So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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