I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Randomize
