I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
