Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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