On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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