Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
