Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
