Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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