If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
