I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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