Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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